Filthy Ditty

Today's poem is once again culled from my corpus of (roughly) every program ever written in ZZT. (See previous post for more details.) One of the features of ZZT-OOP is the option: a piece of text, specially formatted, which when selected by the player causes the program to branch (roughly akin to a hyperlink). "Conditionals" is made from random instances of clauses in the corpus beginning with "if", paired with the text from random options. Apparently I will be performing this and other ZZT-inspired poetry tomorrow night at the Kevin Carter-curated Derangement of the Senses—be there or be bhirsch3!

CONDITIONALS

if you're a wizard,
pray

If you are the skeptical type,
Ask about the orbs

if thou dost haveth forest power,
Say the words.

If you have any magical object,
Take a room. 5 gems

If you want randomness in ZZT,
Suggest a high price.

If you are not going to play this game,
Buy Ticket?

If you use one of the cheat keys, ? ,
Say "Yes."

If you've never played a ZZT game before,
Push "Coin Return"

if you really want to kill yourself,
Put a possum under each armpit.

If that is what you wish,
Use something from your inventory.

If you give me gems,
Ask him about Whitewater.

if he says no, fine,
put him out of his misery

If my memory serves me correctly,
Go Away

if you want to board my boat,
Ask to have your fish cooked 1 G

If you want to know why I was jailed,
Take a different route

If you ever need a favor,
See next item.

If you came for your son,
leave the canned fish alone.

If you wish to stay alive,
take the ball

If this game is too hard,
Add pork.

If you want to get home,
sell 10 ammo for 8 gems